Friday, January 8, 2010

Video Games and, I mean, Me

Since Nathaniel is out of town for the next few days (once again partying with the Dallas Cowboys, one can only assume), I'm going to make an announcement. But you can't tell him about it, okay?

Okay. Deal. Here goes...

I am not good at video games.

At all. I'm actually embarrassingly horrible at them. Like a monkey who witnesses fire for the first time, when I play video games, I kick and I scream and I throw things at other things.

And I usually get killed, or punched out, or I shoot a double bogey, or the opposing pitcher throws a complete game shutout.

And, while I was never really any good at video games, at one point I used to love buying and playing them. As a kid, I had many of the various gaming platforms, from original Nintendo to GameCube to PlayStation 2. My favorite games were always the sports games--Triple Play Baseball, and Madden Football, especially. But there were others that I dug.

There was this Terminator game that came with a gnarly gun thing, and every once in a while I'd buy a Mario or Sonic game, and those were always fun for a bit. I'd buy a bunch of different comic book character games. Not because I was reading the books, but because I always loved Batman and Spider-Man.

And then I'd hate myself for buying a bunch of comic book character games.

Still, I used to love sitting with friends and playing Mortal Kombat. Sure, I'd always get killed rather quickly--and bloodily, I might add--but it was always fun. My favorite video game of all time is GoldenEye, the James Bond shooter for the Nintendo 64.
GoldenEye 007 boxMy goodness, but did I play that game nonstop. One of my best friends had this giant TV in his living room, and he and I and a couple of our buddies would spend entire Friday nights staying up and shooting at each other.

Okay, fine. Usually, everyone would just shoot at me.

Many years later, when I moved into a baseball house during my sophomore year in college, I dusted off my old N64 and my roommates and I played a stupid amount of GoldenEye games, at any and all hours.

Mostly, I was the one who got sniper-ed, or shot from behind, or bludgeoned to death with a toilet seat.

Good times.

As it currently stands, though, I have not loved buying and/or playing video games in a number a years. Not to sound all, Old Man Throwing Things at the Kids in the Yard Next Door, or anything, but today's video games are just...too new-fangled and complicated.

And involved.

And realistic. I bought my brother the latest Call of Duty game for Christmas, and he showed me a little of it. I got dizzy watching him play. Yes, I'm getting old. And, yes, I am now officially the Old Man Who Yells at Clouds, but sometimes you just have to admit defeat and move on in life.

No better encouragement of such an idea is there than what transpired yesterday.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far a Wii. (Sorry. It's late...)

Yesterday, I played the Nintendo Wii for the second time in my life. The first time, Nathaniel and I played at his place, but just for a few minutes, and certainly before he could grasp how sucky I am at video gaming.

But yesterday. Man, was the point driven home, numerous times. My cousin had the day off, and she asked me to stop by and spend some time with her. So, being the good cousin, I did so. At some point, she suggested we play the Wii (I guess my engaging and brilliant conversational skills had run out by then). So I said, sure.

And then she proceeded to beat me at every Wii-related thing in the house.

Now, keep in mind the fact that I PLAYED DIVISION ONE BASEBALL IN COLLEGE. I write this in all caps, not to brag, but to hammer the point home. We played a baseball game--the one that came with the Wii console. And I could not hit the stupid, little (it was actually quite large), ball.

I fouled every pitch off. Seriously. It was I don't know what it was like, actually. Oh, wait. Here's a good one: Playing Wii baseball with me is as sad and mesmerizing as watching a bearded fat guy eat cotton candy.

Yeah, that'll work.

Finally, after two dozen foul balls, a ground out to the first baseman, and two strikeouts on my part, my cousin got her first time at bat against me. And the result? She homered.

Three times in a row.

Oh. And did I mention she had just undergone surgery yesterday, and was still pretty woozy from the anesthesia today?

No? Can't believe I forgot to mention that part.

It was like GoldenEye all over again. Only, instead of various movie characters shooting me in the face as I searched in vain for a weapon in the men's room, I was being beaten by legless little Wii people, who all seemed so happy to run around the bases and mock me with their happiness.

Then I played all different Wii Fit games, and Wii Other Thing games, and I was very horrible at them all. At one point, I was playing this soccer game thing, and the point of the game was to hit the soccer balls being thrown at me, and to dodge the cleats and (for some reason) panda heads that were also being chucked in my direction.

I needed to use the Wii Fit Balance Board to tilt left or right to either hit or avoid oncoming objects. Let's just say I was no good at the tilting. But I was awesome at getting hit in the face with panda heads.

Right. And you know what? It's now very, very late at night, and I have no idea why I felt the need to write this post. So, yeah. The secret's out. I'm bad at video games. Just...

Just don't tell Nathaniel.


James Bond 007 said...

GoldenEye certainly lives up to its FPS legend status and is a must for all shooter fans.

Flashman85 said...

Agreed! And the best part is that GoldenEye still holds up as a very fun game after all these years.