Thursday, April 7, 2011

Unrequited Freedom

Now that I've completed another installment in my video playthrough of Mega Man 6, I feel this refreshing sensation of freedom...and I don't know what to do with myself.

With the intangible deadlines of an in-progress video hanging over me, I can always feel like I'm making progress whenever I do some recording, and I can always feel like I've got a project to go back to. Once a video is finished, I allow myself a little time to get caught up on all the other projects and housekeeping that've been on hold, except this time, I'm turning into a lazy pile of goo who doesn't much feel like doing anything.

Maybe it's a form of recovery from everything I've been doing the past two months. Maybe it's a way to avoid thinking about doing my taxes, which will be due in about a week. Maybe my other side projects aren't as relaxing or exciting as usual. Maybe my schedule has been in too much of a state of flux, and I don't always adapt well to sudden change. Maybe I'm just worn out from some of the discussions I've been having online, and from having to deal with the serious implications of our blog posts once again being stolen. Whatever the case, it's been taking a lot of effort to avoid coming in the door from work and sleeping right through dinner the past two weeks or so, and that in itself is making me more exhausted.

I think I'm also ready for a change of season. I like winter, but this was a very harsh and very long winter, and I have never wanted sunshine and warm weather so badly. It could be my imagination, but it feels like every time I look outside, it's dark, or it's raining. Oh, look, it's dark and damp again today.

Then there's the building pressure to plan a wedding, and everything that goes along with that major life change. That alone is good enough for its own paragraph.

I suppose I'm waiting for things to feel "normal" again, to have a more predictable routine with a to-do list of things that are all fun, or at least therapeutically necessary around the house; nothing requiring total alteration of plans at the last minute, or expending vast amounts of focus or brainpower. I may be free from the self-imposed demands of releasing new videos in a timely fashion, but my freedom is compromised by too many things I should be doing.

This, too, shall pass. It'll just be a while.

However, I'm not content to wait until the circumstances change. This is my freedom, doggone it, and I'm not going to waste it on sleeping away the hours until things are better. I will do the writing I've been looking forward to. I will sit my butt down and play more Dragon Warrior IV. I will get back into reading on a regular basis and start making a dent in my literary backlog. I will eat dinner, and I will revel in the time spent preparing it (except I forgot to get out the chicken to thaw, so it looks like Spaghetti-O's again tonight).

...Just as soon as my taxes are out of the way.


Matt Link said...

Hang in there man. I know what you mean. It's like there's all this momentum of working on something important that keeps you going through to the end, and then that momentum suddenly disappears when you're done. Everything else that's taken second place then becomes a priority, and it can all be overwhelming thinking of it all at once.

Based on your last paragraph, you've definitely got the right approach, go for it! It sounds like you've got a lot of stuff you want to accomplish.

I'm actually in the finishing stages of planning a wedding with my fiance, and while it's been quite the challenge for us on both time and resources, it's definitely brought us closer together, and I've found that during the times when I'm most burnt out from all of it, it's more important than ever to be able to really step back and take on whatever it is that I've been putting off that's really important to me, especially the personal projects and things I want to do. I've found that picking one thing each day, concentrating on that, and then moving onto something else the next day goes a long way towards making a successful day. So I may have got all these chores and grocery shopping done as usual, but dog gonnit, that hour I spent enjoying that one book today was awesome and totally worth it!).

Anyway, that's my two cents :)

Flashman85 said...

I actually ended up rewriting the ending a few hours before this posted; the original version was a pretty big downer, actually, but I realized it didn't and shouldn't have to be that way.

Wedding planning alone is enough to keep one busy--good luck!