Wednesday, November 5, 2008

James T. Kirk Elected Fake President

Though the political race was neck-and-neck up to the last second, James T. Kirk has emerged victorious with ten votes and has been elected Fake President in a completely fair and unrigged election.

In other news, engineers at Google continue to be baffled by the glitch that causes users' Web browsers to suddenly close after entering the search term Kobayashi Maru.

This has been a truly historic election: Kirk, promoted to Captain in the year 2264, is the first man to be elected President over 200 years before being born.

It was exciting to watch the polls grow from a single vote for Slappy McIntyre to a single vote for Slappy McIntyre and twenty-nine votes divided between everyone else, but the real excitement occurred after the polls closed.


Post-election news

Mario and Luigi, who fell one vote short of Kirk and Spock, appeared before all nine of their supporters late last night for a concession speech.

"Thank you so much for-a voting for me!" began Mario. After an awkward moment in which Mario and Luigi jumped up and down a few times, they left the stage, as they are unaccustomed to speaking more than one or two sentences at a time.

Still, most of their adoring audience continued to scream for the brothers up until the point when the crowd was eaten by the Tarrasque, at which point all of the audience was screaming.

Kirk was scheduled to speak shortly afterward, but he was detained in a fistfight backstage and was deemed unfit for public appearance by election officials after his shirt was unnecessarily torn to shreds in the scuffle.

Meanwhile, Zombie Abe Lincoln, enraged by the mere four votes he had received, began ravenously hungering the flesh of the nearby Vice President-Elect, but then he remembered that Spock's Brain left a bad taste in everyone's mouth.


More post-election news


Reports of scandals related to White House interns is already at an all-time high thanks to the charming Kirk and his running mate, Spock, who is currently undergoing pon farr.

Kirk is currently investigating alternate means of official Presidential transportation. He refuses to ride on Air Force One, claiming that "There's... something on the wing. Some... thing!"

Mario has decided to leave politics for now, choosing instead to pursue a career in medicine. Luigi, frustrated by being second yet again, took out his aggression by throwing any and all objects within reach. Local authorities report that several people were hit by errant vegetables, resulting in over a dozen injuries and one game over.

The Tarrasque left to take a very long nap somewhere. It had spent the entire morning and afternoon rampaging across the country, devouring Ralph Nader supporters before they could get to the polls, which undoubtedly cost him the election.

Bucky Barnes (Not Dead Captain America) left the moment the winner was announced to go rescue the Democratic and Republican candidates for Real President from being assassinated. Presumably, he succeeded, though there's probably no way to know for sure.

Zombie Abe Lincoln is standing right behind you. Don't turn around.

Slappy McIntyre mistakenly assumed that elections were scored like mini-golf and broke out his finest horse to celebrate his assumed success:

Slappy McIntyre rides again!
Dead Captain America had no comment.