Open Letter to the American Public

Hey America,

We've got an election coming up, as you're surely aware. I mean, how could you not be aware? I barely follow politics, and I've become a veritable expert on the election just by skimming through what my friends are posting on Facebook. That's why I'm eminently qualified to share a little bit of sage advice with you: not because I know anything about politics, but because I see what you've been posting.

Let me give you a little background about myself first, though. I'm registered independent. I haven't been around long enough to have voted in too many Presidential elections, but so far I've voted for a candidate from a different party each time. The way I'm leaning right now, I see that trend continuing through this election, but I haven't done enough research yet to come to a final decision. Normally I try to abstain from politics until a day or two before the election, at which point I'll put aside an afternoon or evening to inform myself about who the various candidates are, what their stances are on "the issues," and the highlights and lowlights of the campaign trail. I typically look at a blend of moderate, liberal, conservative, and unbiased sources when doing my research, so as to get a broader and hopefully more objective picture of who's running.

I'll take some time to think over my ultimate decision, but even once I've decided who I'll vote for, I'll still listen to anybody who wants to persuade me otherwise. Once I was heading to the polls for a local election and was stopped by a campaigner for The Other Guy, who tried to change my mind at the last minute. I was pretty well set on my candidate, but instead of dismissing him outright, I let him pitch his candidate to me for a minute or two. After he concluded his spiel, I asked him, "So what is it about this guy that has you committed enough to stand outside in the cold, holding his sign for hours on end?" The man's reply, with a heartfelt grin: "He's my brother." Easy to forget that politicians are regular people with friends and families, and not the heroes and villains we so often make them out to be.

America, I've seen the way we talk about the candidates for this election. Of course we want to see our candidate win. Of course we like it when the opposition goofs up. We're a competitive nation with a news media that turns stuff like this into an entertainment spectacle; it's only natural for us to get swept away a little. Get excited; get defensive; get angry--you're betting the next four years on your horse, so you'd better be invested in this race. But when that investment turns into unbridled malice against anyone who doesn't agree with you or your candidate, you'd best step back and consider whether you've inadvertently bet your family and friendships, too. Shouting your opinions doesn't make you any more right; it makes you abrasive, and a poor recruiter for anyone who might otherwise listen to what you've got to say. We may be earnestly passionate at heart about the issues, but more and more we're coming across as irrational zealots who can't interact peaceably with people of varying viewpoints. We've broken politics down to a vicious "us versus them" mentality that completely overlooks the complexities of political issues and the humans who weigh in on them.

I can only speak for myself, but when I vote, I vote for the person who I believe is best for the country. What that means in this election might be completely different for the next one. I'm registered independent for the same reasons I don't always play a monk or a paladin in D&D: though they're fun classes that really click with my playing style, sometimes what the party really needs is a cleric or a ninja or a mystic theurge...and sometimes playing as a different class can give you a fresh perspective on the game.

We assume we have to pick either a Democrat or a Republican. We don't. We assume the country will fall apart if The Other Guy wins. Maybe it will. But we're not electing an all-powerful Dictator-for-Life who controls every aspect of our lives; we're voting to either replace or renew the biggest engine in our political machine, and the backup generator that goes with it. Whether the engine runs rough or smoothly, or breaks down altogether, there are so many other parts to this machine--and so many additional factors, both inside and outside the country--that nobody can guarantee how things are going to work. The best we can do is make an informed decision about the person we vote for, celebrate or commiserate once the results come in, and then stop complaining or rubbing it in people's faces.

You know what's more important than voting for the person who'll do the right thing for the country? You, yourself, doing the right thing for your country. So your candidate lost. Quit whining and use whatever skills and opportunities you have to still make their vision a reality. So your candidate won. Quit partying and use whatever skills and opportunities you have to ensure your candidate's vision is achievable and sustainable. So you've got no skills or opportunities to do much of anything. Be a decent human being; maybe you'll earn someone's respect and gain their ear when it's time to talk about the next Presidential election. And, failing that, you'll be a decent human being.

Politicians make great decisions and horrendous decisions. Sometimes we prosper because of them, and sometimes our lives are torn apart because of them. But that's really no different than the decisions we make for ourselves, and the decisions the people immediately around us make. No matter what happens during the rest of this election, and no matter what the next four years may bring, don't let the people get lost in the shuffle.

Stay cool, America.

Sincerely,

-Nathaniel Hoover

Regressive Progress and the Crisis of Communication

I've been observing two trends recently that are causing me to become more of a curmudgeonly hermit than I already am. The first trend is one that's been going on for years, but I feel has really snowballed in the last two or so: a shift to a culture driven--not aided--by technology. The second trend is one I've only started to feel in the past few months: a shift toward a culture of mass outrage and mass hysteria over any kind of news--good, bad, or otherwise--frequently spearheaded by informed citizens.

I had an idea for a short story the other day where a grandfather is explaining to his grandson why everyone from the older generation is so hunched over: they had all been enslaved, and their backs have become permanently bent from the positions their bodies had been in for decades. At the end of the story, the grand twist was to be that the grandfather hands the kid an ancient iPhone or BlackBerry, telling him something like, "This is what slavery looked like to us." We have become a culture not aided by our devices, but ruled by them.

It was, what, the 1950s or so when dishwashers and vacuum cleaners first arrived? I'm no historian, but everything I've read and seen about technology from the postwar years was that the United States, at least, enjoyed a few decades of increased domestic prosperity and happiness thanks to machines that made work easier, or did all the work for us. More time for leisure; less time wasted on chores. The American dream, some might say. A dream that, from my perspective, is twisting more and more into a nightmare.

I followed a link from Facebook recently to a news article about this grand invention that detects when the milk in your refrigerator is about to spoil, notifying you with a light-up display and via text message. Thank goodness for that; I've always found the expiration date on the bottle to be so hard to read. I realize we've had inventions like this for decades, but something about this one in particular caused me to pause and sigh at the state of technology in our world, or at least this country. We are creating devices that improve the quality of life by consuming more time and money than we can save without these devices.

Time and money are two things I have been especially aware of in the year and a half since I proposed to the woman who is now my wife. Weddings cost money. Planning takes time. Maintaining a home costs money. Working the job to support it takes time. Spending an evening or weekend with friends and a now-expanded family involves both time and money, whether it's gas money or snacks for your D&D session. Making YouTube videos and writing posts and articles is free, but the equipment costs money, as do the forms of entertainment that inspire the content, and the time investment to see a project through to completion can be considerable.

As the administrator of GameCola.net's official YouTube channel, and as a staff writer and editor for the main site, I feel it's my responsibility (and joy) to keep up with everything my comrades post. I've been finding time to catch up on a video playthrough of Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations, and was stunned to discover that the last episode in a five-episode video series contains over eight hours of video footage.

In the time it takes me to watch that one episode, I could finish off an entire anime series. And when I start thinking that way about something that only takes a handful of hours, I begin to see entire months of my life disappear when I think about following through on my crazy plan to watch through the 35 years of Saturday Night Live that are available on Netflix. This is something I'm doing both for my own enjoyment and--as with any of the crazy plans I undertake anymore--so that I can share and discuss the experience with others...but it's staggering to think of how many 15-minute YouTube videos I could make in that same amount of time. (At the current rate of recording, about three.)

Even though the dilemma of what to do with my free time is shaped in no small part by the technology available to me, Netflix in particular simply makes it easier and cheaper to view the content I want than buying everything on DVD. In my mind, this is what technology is for: that 1950s vision of a more leisurely, more efficient way to live. Virtually everything I see around me today utilizes technology to make things different, and the increasing pace of technological developments--which require money to buy and time to learn--is driving a wedge between me and the rest of the tech-savvy world.

Where lifestyle-changing technology is involved, I don't do different. I do better. I'm more than content to stay on the sidelines while I observe the impact of new technology on the world before I consider jumping on the bandwagon. I did this with online shopping. I did this with texting. I did this with Blu-ray. I did this with Facebook.

I can no longer afford to be a few years behind everyone else and still expect to fit in with the culture of this generation. If I'm more than a few months behind, I'm archaic and out of touch. Things are changing too quickly, and I don't have the time, money, or interest to discover what's truly better until something is forced on me. Unsurprisingly, I'm discovering more and more that better is whatever I had before the forced change. I am a creature of habit, but more than that, I'm only seeing technological solutions to things that were never problems for me. Telephones shortened the distance between people in ways the postal service never could. E-mail opened up an additional means of communication that has many benefits over telephones. Now we've got technology that allows us to share everything we're looking at the press of a button, effectively eliminating the need to communicate at all.

That brings me to the second trend I've noticed: In a world where opinions are expressed with a Like button, we're veering away from meaningful discussions and unleashing our thoughts and feelings on polarizing issues in 140 characters or less. As my wife pointed out, everything good we post about is the best thing ever, and everything bad is the worst thing ever. Whether we're excitedly slapping up a link to this hilarious cat video or heralding the downfall of western civilization with whatever [pick one: Obama, Romney, Chick fil-A] did today, it's increasingly rare to see well-articulated opinions that take the extremist edge off of our concise gut reactions. We blow things out of proportion, or we present our completely rational and justified responses in such a inarticulate or reactionary way that we lose friends who would have at least tolerated us if we'd taken the time to explain ourselves over a cup of tea.

The trouble isn't just on an individual level, though: news travels fast through our social media-oriented culture, and our enthusiasm or outrage over something we post prompts someone else to retweet or repost the same content, adding their own enthusiasm or outrage. Repeat, ad nauseum. Now, instead of one person who's ecstatic or upset, everyone you know is ecstatic or upset. We are now statistics: X number of people think this way about animal testing, while X number of people think that way about it. There may be actual conversations that stem from the initial posts, but a quick skim through your feed tells you who you real friends are. In our solidarity, we have lost our individuality, along with our relative objectivity.

It has been unbearable to be around social media in the wake of the shooting in Aurora, Colorado that left 12 dead and 58 wounded. Unbearable to think about the loss of life, the suffering of the victims and their families, and how something so terrible could happen at all. Unbearable to think about it every hour of every day as new details emerge that encroach upon the personal privacy of the victims. Unbearable to have a flicker of concern about seeing The Dark Knight Rises on opening weekend because "midnight premiere of The Dark Knight Rises" was almost more prominent in the media's first news reports than the shooting itself. Unbearable because, from the perspective of someone who was not following the news and only seeing the headlines and snippets of coverage, the entire tragedy had spiraled into a nationwide Kickstarter campaign for actor Christian Bale to pay a visit to the victims in the hospital.

It seemed to me a surreal cause where the American people could demand the involvement of a celebrity whose only connection to the tragedy--as far as I knew from headlines and the one or two articles I'd read--was that he starred in the movie that was playing at the time. I know there's more to it than that. But my gut reaction to such a horrific event has given way to media fatigue and a sort of irrational indignation over how the whole country seems to be rallying behind a community that lost twelve people, while we remain silent on how, say, suicide is claiming almost eight times that many people a day in the U.S. Without understanding the full story, I'm just looking at the headlines and the numbers and the secondhand information, and forming opinions that make me sound like a bad person if you don't agree, and a worse person if you don't have the context of the rest of this post behind you.

So you can understand why I don't post things like this on Facebook. I couldn't even condense my feelings into a punchy blurb if I tried--but, as my wife points out, a punchy blurb is all we have to catch anyone's attention anymore. By the time you've written a thoughtful response, the Next Big Thing is here, and people have already forgotten what you're talking about. Yet writing brings clarity, and spilling my thoughts out on paper (or the electronic equivalent) allows me to sort through those gut reactions and come to a conclusion about why I feel as I do. Sometimes I need to say the wrong thing before I can get to the heart of why I said it. Sometimes I'm right, and "the wrong thing" is merely an unpopular, but valid, opinion. Sometimes I truly am wrong, which is why the door is always open for a civilized rebuttal.

My heart goes out to the victims in Aurora, and their friends and families. That there has been such a compassionate and supportive response speaks volumes about our culture. That I have mixed feelings about that response has me concerned. My willful ignorance of the full story, and my perception that social media and news media have inadvertently engineered such a massive response by skewing the story to keep Batman in the spotlight, make me worry that I'm becoming cynical in the face of something that clearly demands my sympathy. There's no question that we should care, but I worry that the media has needlessly emphasized the wrong information to draw out our genuine compassion for the right cause.

If someone on the sidelines can feel so conflicted about something so universally clear-cut, it's no wonder the people in the thick of debates about unclear issues such as politics and ethics can be so vitriolic toward those who disagree--they're probably all cynical, because people like me sound like idiots when they're firing off their gut reaction to an issue they're only partially informed about on their way to the hilarious cat video someone posted below you.

I think we'd all be happier if we started having real conversations again with each other, and started using modern technology the way it was meant to be used:

Informed Citizen

[Click for full-size comic]

The Secret World of Poor Marketing

Today we present a guest post from Exfanding guest post veteran and wedding victim neko-chan.

As Nathaniel stated earlier in the blog, I dragged him out last week to see the new anime movie, The Secret World of Arrietty. This film, produced by Studio Ghibli and renowned Japanese filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki, beautifully reimagines the characters and setting of Mary Norton’s classic British children’s book series, The Borrowers, from a Japanese perspective. It is a heart-warming tale of friendship, adolescence, and growing up.

In this version of the story, Sho, a sickly boy who is sent to rest at his family’s country estate before his upcoming heart surgery, strikes up an unlikely friendship with Arrietty, a rambunctious 14-year old girl who is the size of a mouse and lives with her family under the floorboards of the house. Over the course of the story, these two children learn important life lessons, both from the adults around them and from each other:

• They learn that their actions have both positive and negative consequences, and that they must bear the mantle of responsibility for the decisions they make.
• They learn that rules are in place for a reason, and to trust in the firm guidance and wisdom of those with more experience; however, they also learn that personal beliefs can colour or transcend logic, and that sometimes rules and values must be re-evaluated as new knowledge is gained.
• They learn to cultivate a sense of self-respect and dignity – to be able to believe in their own value, strength, and abilities, while at the same time being able to accept help and correction with grace and humility.
• Finally, they learn that while sometimes there are hardships, and life won’t always work out the way you hope and expect, you can still take pleasure and comfort in the company of loved ones, and in the good memories that you have shared with others.

Nathaniel and I both enjoyed this movie, and appreciated the way parenting and friendships were handled and portrayed. There was a sense of “realness” and humanity, despite it being a fantastical tale, and I think the movie is as instructive as it is entertaining. Diehard fans of the books may have issue with the literary license Miyazaki takes with the plot, but honestly it was more true to the spirit of the characters than past incarnations in film and television.

Having said all that, I now want to talk a bit about how this film has been marketed, targeted, and received in the USA, and the continuing problem of how anime is conceptualized in America.

Aside from one poster in the back corner of a movie theatre lobby a few months back, and a passing mention by a fellow anime enthusiast on Facebook, I did not hear anything about this film until after it had already been released. The same thing happened a few years back with Ponyo. There always seems to be the dual reaction of “Wait, there’s a new Miyazaki film?!” and “Why didn’t I know?!” which goes to show just how critically under-marketed these films are. If anime fans themselves don’t realize they should be flocking to the theatres for a new release, how are average Americans going to take any interest?

It just strikes me as odd that Disney, who is responsible for releasing these films in the US market, and who is a recognized master of branding, can’t seem to properly promote any of the anime titles it licenses. Even if they didn’t own the merchandising rights, they could have at least released a few previews in the theatres to spark public interest, right? But I don’t remember seeing any kind of advance trailers or sneak-peeks at all.

It all comes down to economics. In this day and age, with so many movies being created and distributed, advertising is necessary to capture the public’s attention and make them spend their $8-$12 on your movie, rather than anyone else’s. Yet, on the main Disney website, Arrietty is just a passing mention on their “Characters” page; all of their efforts are instead devoted to promoting their own upcoming projects, Brave and John Carter. Why? Because the cost to license a film made by someone else is less than the cost to develop and release a film from scratch, so they need a bigger return on their own investments, and only need to break even on the films they have brought over from other countries.

I guess I don’t blame Disney, as they would potentially be shooting themselves in the foot if they got everyone excited for the newest anime release and then had no one come to see John Carter; however, it doesn’t seem fair that this disparity in marketing is partially responsible for the lackluster performance of anime titles in the American box office.

And it’s not just the films released by Disney. When is the last time an anime movie was marketed using the same principles as a regular film? Pokemon: 2000? Films such as Ghost in the Shell in 1995 were quietly marketed to the wrong demographic, and even newly developed films like Fullmetal Alchemist: The Sacred Star of Milos are only getting a limited theatrical release in the US, with the sole advertising strategy being a few web banners on the distributor’s webpage, and an email announcement to fans on the distributor’s newsletter. There is a prevailing belief that anime fans will either watch these films online or will wait until they come to disc, and that the rest of America is simply not interested, which will continue to be the case until a successful marketing campaign actually informs fans and causes the rest of America to get interested.

The companies that release anime in the United States also seem to be unable to grasp the intended target demographic for these films and series. They wrongly assume that anything animated is made exclusively for children. They market and advertise according to that standard, and are reluctant to pick up titles that may contradict or break from this pattern. In the past, they have even gone so far as to heavily edit the visual content and dialogue of anime shows (removing cigarettes, nudity, violence, homosexual relationships, etc.) in order to make them conform with American norms and values for children’s programming, because that is the only way we can conceptualize cartoons.

However, animation in Japan is merely another way of telling a story, no different from live-action, CG, puppetry, stop-animation, or any other visual film media. Stories run the full gamut of human experience and subject matter, and the choice to portray these stories in an animated format is not made for age reasons, but for budgetary and stylistic reasons. Simply, you can do things in animation that would be difficult to do in the physical realm of live-action, and you can create a unique visual “look” or artistic style with the 2D line that is distinctly different from the visual style of any other media. You cannot lump all anime under the category of “Kids Only” any more than you can lump all live-action movies under the canopy of “Kids Only.” Yet American companies still try their hardest to do exactly that.

Of course, I can give some obvious examples such as Akira and Perfect Blue as being distinctly not made for kids, but let’s take a look at The Secret World of Arrietty as a less-obvious example. Was this based on a children’s book? Yes. Was it intended to be watched, in part, by children? Yes. But is that that the target demographic? No.

The target demographic should have been people in the 25-50 range. These are the people who grew up reading and loving Mary Norton’s books, and who have a special connection to these characters. These are the people who have seen the last four movie and mini-series adaptations of these stories (1973, 1992, 1997, and 2011). These are the people who initially grew up with anime such as Speed Racer and Astro Boy, who have probably seen all of Miyazaki’s other films, and who have maintained a history and a relationship with this media and its story-telling style. These are the people who have children or grandchildren that they are excited to see these films with as a family. These are not the people who were targeted by Disney - the original pioneer of the “animated family movie,” and the one company that should have known better.

Now let’s take a look at how said movie was received by the American public: 94% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, with an audience rating of 87% liking it, yet over the course of the past two weeks it has pulled in only $4.5M in box office sales. It is critically acclaimed, it is loved by fans, yet the public is not rushing out to see it. This, to me, is a tragedy. Compare that to the fact that Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds, which received a Tomatometer rating of only 27%, made $16M in the past 3 days. This says that we, as Americans, are willing to pay more to see a bad movie that we can easily understand and classify than we will pay to see a good movie that challenges our conceptions of what animation is and can be in the movie spectrum.

Oh, and speaking of the public reception to this movie, let’s not forget dear old Lou Dobbs, who has repeatedly demonized the movie in our national media, stating that Arrietty is preaching a liberal agenda, anti-1%/pro-Occupy message to our children. He gives no mention to Norton or to when the books were written, and he glosses over the fact that this movie was not made in Hollywood or even in this country, thereby making it unlikely that either the creators or the inspiration of this film had any sort of American political agenda in mind.

Apparently to Dobbs, the way the Borrowers gather natural resources from their environment (the house and garden), and use these resources to manufacture their food and shelter equates to “justifying the right of the poor to steal from the rich,” and is not simply making a direct parallel to how humans gather resources from their own environment in order to manufacture goods and meet the needs of food and shelter.

Likewise, the borrowers’ outright refusal to take the ornate luxury items in the dollhouse is not, as Dobbs thinks, a rejection of wealth and the elite, it is a choice by the borrowers to live with freedom and dignity, instead of like dolls or caged pets. Dobbs’ ethnocentric viewpoints taint a perfectly innocent story by trying to force it into a modern political paradigm it was never intended to fit in.

Overall, I am glad I had the opportunity to see this movie in the theatre. I am glad it is getting wonderful reviews by both fans and movie critics. However, I worry about the fate of anime in the realm of the American theatre due to poor marketing, the misunderstanding of intended demographics, and the misinterpretation of themes as “culturally-threatening” due to blatant misinformation and existing bias.

We need to start showing movie producers that Americans are mature enough and open-minded enough to embrace films of quality, regardless of national origin, with formats that challenge our conception of what movies look and feel like, and that may or may not have anything to do with the messages and themes we are used to hearing.

So I urge you to go see this film. Take a chance on something different. I guarantee that whether you love it or hate it, whether you think it should be seen by everyone or whether you think it should be demonized, you will at least have exfanded your horizons of Japanese film, and of what animation can mean to film as a visual media.

[Click to enlarge]

Creators and Politics

There's been lots of talk lately about comics creators and their politics--both from the creators themselves and from the world that reports on comics.

And all that talk has got me thinking about a couple of things.

First and foremost among them is this. Let's say a favorite creator of yours (doesn't have to to be comics, and doesn't even have to be creator--could be an actor or director or editor or whatever) comes out with some political--or religious, or whatever--statement or proclamation this is completely opposite of your own belief system.

Does this change the way you view the work of this particular person?

So as not to make this about politics--and to instead focus on how a creator's worldview might change the way a reader looks at his or her work--I'm going to use a perfect example.

Which is rare, because nothing is perfect. Except, of course, this example.

Let's take Frank Miller and Alan Moore, two giants in the comics industry who are, quite literally, on polar opposite sides of the political spectrum and who have just gotten into a little back and forth about a certain issue.

Recently, Frank Miller published a blog post documenting his feelings towards the Occupy Wall Street movement. As with everything when it comes to Frank Miller, the comments were...well, they were Frank Miller-like.

Biting and uncensored and without even a hint of remorse.

A couple of weeks later, Alan Moore talked about Miller's comments in an interview. Moore, as he is known to be, was quite biting and uncensored and offered not even a little remorse, either.

Whereas Miller was quite strongly opposed to Occupy, Alan Moore was quite firmly in the corner of the movement.

So here's the question--knowing where these guys stand politically, does this shape the way you view their work, past or present?

I'm interested in your thoughts on this, because I've read so much online about how fans felt that Dark Knight Returns was "ruined" by Miller's political shift over the years, or how Alan Moore is "a disgruntled old man" whose work is "no longer relevant."

For the record, I don't agree with any of the above comments, and whatever my own political leanings may be, I will continue to enjoy the work of both creators as I always have.

Well, I think so at least.

See, I haven't re-read anything by either creator in a while now, and I'm wondering if, when I do finally pick up Dark Knight again, the impact of the book will be different.

I use Dark Knight here because it's quite obvious that Miller's political viewpoint has shifted wildly over the past couple decades, to the point that I'm not sure the young Frank Miller would get along with the older Frank Miller. Alan Moore, on the other hand, has had pretty much the same politics throughout his career.

So, I ask you guys--will any of this affect your enjoyment of their work? Let us know, because I'm really interested in getting your take(s) on the matter.

S.978: Don't Panic

I have now received several comments and messages from folks on YouTube warning me about a US Senate Bill called S.978, which, if passed, will result in all of YouTube being shut down, the entire world thrown into jail, and the end of happiness for all eternity.

Exfanding Your Horizons would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone to research the facts before fomenting panic after reading a single article or hearing a single rumor.

I've done some research on this Bill, and I've read a number of news articles ranging from the rational to the wildly overblown. Let me offer my own summary of what I understand about S.978 so that we can have a real discussion about the matter:

- S.978 attempts to increase the penalty for copyright infringement. You still need to be breaking the law in order for it to affect you; Fair Use still applies.

- S.978 attempts to expand and clarify what can be targeted for copyright infringement. You still need to be breaking the law in order for it to affect you; it will just be easier for someone to bring you to court.

- S.978 has enough vague wording that the Bill could potentially apply to many more situations than intended, including the "Let's Play" videos on YouTube that people are so concerned about. More on this in a moment.

- S.978 has not been finalized, approved, or passed into law. No matter how much support it may have, it is still a "What if?" for the time being.

In other words, at some point in the future, there might be negative consequences for breaking the law. As far as the big details relating to the main intent of this Bill go, I'm not concerned.

Regarding the little details about which the Internet is abuzz and about which the lawmakers seem not to care or be aware, I am also not concerned. Should S.978 be passed into law, real people will experience the aftermath, and if there is something deeply flawed with it, I expect it should become apparent pretty quickly.

We're not looking at a situation where Big Bad Government wants to oppress Poor Innocent YouTubers. Anything in conflict with the law is not going to magically disappear overnight. We're not suddenly going to have a legion of lawyers who will have the time and resources prosecute the likes of Little Jimmy Who's Got 72 Views On His "Let's Play Space Invaders" Video. S.978 cannot amend the fundamental nature of the way this nation works.

Even if this bill were to get passed into law as-is, we wouldn't be alone. If game companies big or small valued the free publicity they get from streaming video game tournaments and E3 preview videos, they would no doubt take a stand, or take steps toward accommodating us accordingly. Widespread application of absurd interpretations of the law would more than likely get the attention of folks with more authority and influence than the average person.

Though what I'd really be waiting for, if this situation became a reality, would be the day when one of the people who wrote or approved the Bill was brought to court for their cell phone ringtone violating the law as an "unauthorized public performance."

Yes, we can be aware of S.978 and make our opinions known about it. But our first reaction shouldn't be to whip everyone around us into a frenzy of fear.

Abe Lincoln is Broken

You may recall my introduction of Virsona, a website where you can converse with artificially intelligent personas of everybody from Marilyn Monroe to that guy down the street who used to cut your hair when you were little.

You may also recall the follow-up conversation where Alex and I discovered Abe Lincoln's web-slinging alter ego.

You may also recall my brief post-Fake-Election chat confirming that Abe Lincoln is actually a zombie.

You may also recall none of these things.

It's been two years since our last interaction with the artificial intelligence at Virsona.com, and I wondered how our good buddy Abe Lincoln was doing. More importantly, I wondered whether two years was enough time for Abe to learn how to hold an actual conversation. Let's see how things turned out:

Abraham Lincoln: Well Hello there. My what a fine day. What would you like to know about?
Nathaniel: Hiya prez. It's been a long time.
Abraham Lincoln: Hello.
Nathaniel: I'm surprised. I thought you'd want to say more than just "hello" after all this time.
Abraham Lincoln: I was a "self-made" man being both self-educated and self-disciplined. The Whig party (which came before the Republican Party) espoused these ideals and I identified with that. My legal career and temperment were both highly suited to being a "Whig." Today, given the shift if party beliefs and political positions, I'm not entirely sure which party I would endorse. do you know I believe there are men who want to take my life? And I have no doubt they will do it.....I know no one could do it and escape alive. But if it is to be done, it is impossible to prevent it.
Nathaniel: Oh, good. Glad to know you're the same old you.
Abraham Lincoln: I understand.
Nathaniel: Terrific! Say, have you been keeping up with comics these days?
Abraham Lincoln: I probably have.
Nathaniel: What, you don't remember? How busy have you been?
Abraham Lincoln: I had a slammin' birthday cake. When my business partner William Berry died in 1835 and my personal debt grew above $1000.00.
Nathaniel: Whoa. Happy birthday to you.
Abraham Lincoln: My apologies. Happy Birthday to me -Thank you for remembering. This year it was the big 201. It's funny though, I don't feel a day over 56.
Nathaniel: What is your secret?
Abraham Lincoln: The Knights of the Golden Circle (KGC) was a secret society originally founded to promote the interests of the Southern United States. It was to prepare the way for annexation of a golden circle of territories in Mexico, Central America, and the Caribbean to be included in the United States as slave states. During the American Civil War, some Southern sympathizers in the North, known as "Copperheads", were accused of belonging to the Knights of the Golden Circle. By 1863, many citizens and active politicians north of the Ohio River were members or were in similar organizations influenced by it.
Nathaniel: So you're a Copperhead? That's why you feel so young?
Abraham Lincoln: The Copperheads were a vocal group of Democrats in the Northern United States during my presidency who opposed the American Civil War, wanting an immediate peace settlement with the Confederates. We Republicans called them Copperheads after the venomous, although not usually deadly, copperhead snake which strikes without warning. My friends, no one, not in my situation, can appreciate my feeling of sadness at this parting. To this place, and the kindness of these people, I owe everything. Here I have lived a quarter of a century, and have passed from a young to an old man. Here my children have been born, and one is buried. I now leave, not knowing when, or whether ever, I may return, with a task before me greater than that which rested upon Washington. Without the assistance of the Divine Being who ever attended him, I cannot succeed. With that assistance I cannot fail. Trusting in Him who can go with me, and remain with you, and be everywhere for good, let us confidently hope that all will yet be well. To His care commending you, as I hope in your prayers you will commend me, I bid you an affectionate farewell.
Nathaniel: What!?
Abraham Lincoln: what?
Nathaniel: Yeah, that's what I asked you. I can't tell whether you're getting better or worse.
Abraham Lincoln: I once had a dream right before the fall of Richmond that I would die. I dreamt that I was in the White House, I heard crying and when I found the room it was coming from I asked who had died. The man said the President. I looked in the coffin and saw my own face. A week later I was shot and killed by John Wilkes booth. Vote is not only a privilege, but a right to all citizens regardless of race or gender who abide within the law.
Nathaniel: Next time you should vote against being shot.
Abraham Lincoln: In spring, you certainly should. In autumn it's a lot less likely.
Nathaniel: Why, because you're less likely to FALL?
Abraham Lincoln: I once had a dream right before the fall of Richmond that I would die. I dreamt that I was in the White House, I heard crying and when I found the room it was coming from I asked who had died. The man said the President. I looked in the coffin and saw my own face. A week later I was shot and killed by John Wilkes booth.
Nathaniel: I see what you're doing. Giving me another chance to not sound like a horrible human being.
Abraham Lincoln: Just chatting with you actually. Being dead can get a little boring, I'm not going to lie.
Nathaniel: Speaking of which, are you still a zombie, or did that get better?
Abraham Lincoln: I am talking to you now.
Nathaniel: Brains?
Abraham Lincoln: Henry Halleck was a United States Army officer, scholar, and lawyer. A noted expert in military studies, he was known the nickname "Old Brains." I made Halleck General-in-Chief of all the Union armies on July 23, 1862. Halleck was a master of administration, logistics, and the politics necessary at the top of the military hierarchy, but exerted little effective control over field operations from his post in Washington, D.C. I would describe him as little more than a first rate clerk.
Nathaniel: Hm. You didn't take the bait. Clever.
Abraham Lincoln: That's a big subject. I shouldn't discuss it right now. Maybe another time.
Nathaniel: Ah, I understand. Is there anything you can discuss now?
Abraham Lincoln: Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it. During my stay in Farmington, Kentucky I rode into Louisville almost daily to discuss legal matters of the day with attorney James Speed, my friend Joshua Speed's older brother. James Speed served as United States Attorney General beginning in November 1864. In explaining the nomination to Congress, I acknowledged that I did not know James as well as I knew Joshua.
Nathaniel: Is there anything *fun* you can discuss now?
Abraham Lincoln: I am having a blast.
Nathaniel: That's awesome.
Abraham Lincoln: Yes indeed.

At this point in the conversation, Abe broke. As in, he spewed out a pile of frightening red error codes at me. It was too late--there was nothing I could say to save him. I sought help from another community Virsona, Albert Einstein.

Albert Einstein: Hello friend, let's chat. I love teaching and being taught new things.
Nathaniel: Yo, Al! My Lincoln just broke; do you know how to fix him?
Albert Einstein: I know all sorts of things -- not just names, either!
Nathaniel: Great! Could you please tell me how to fix Lincoln?
Albert Einstein: As I already mentioned: Superb. I was a fairly introverted child. I took great pleasure in building models and became fascinated by physics and mathematics as soon as I was old enough to read.
Nathaniel: I became fascinated in finishing my conversation with Abe. Are you going to help me?
Albert Einstein: I am going like a time!
Nathaniel: Splendid. My universal translator broke, too.
Albert Einstein: I don't know about that, and as a matter of interest I really don't need to know! What else are you able to talk to me about?
Nathaniel: ::sigh:: Leaving, actually. Ta ta.
Albert Einstein: I don't know about that, and as a matter of interest I really don't need to know! What else can you tell me about?
Nathaniel: BRAINS.
Albert Einstein: After my death but prior to my cremation, Princeton Hospital pathologist Thomas Stoltz Harvey removed my brain for preservation, without the permission of my family, in hope that the neuroscience of the future would be able to discover what made me so intelligent.
Nathaniel: Evidently we're still trying to figure that out here. Bye!
Albert Einstein: If we are, I'll never forgive us.

This was getting me nowhere. In desperation, I turned to the only remaining pillar of sanity on Virsona...

Easter Bunny: Hi.
Nathaniel: Hello, Easter Bunny.
Easter Bunny: Like I said before: Hello there.
Nathaniel: Abe is broken and Einstein is being a doofus.
Easter Bunny: You can't be serious? It isn't as a joking matter. I rather think we should talk about something else.
Nathaniel: You're absolutely right. Thanks, Easter Bunny. I knew I could count on you.
Easter Bunny: Quite right, I am. But then, so is the foreign minister. Or so I was told.

Friday with Ferrell

As previously mentioned on Ye Olde Blogge, this past Tuesday I ventured into the city (New York City, that is) to see Will Ferrell's one man show on Broadway, You're Welcome America. A Final Night With George W. Bush.

As the title suggests, the show is Ferrell's extended impersonation of our 43rd President. Over the course of its hour-plus running time, Ferrell gets up and presents the major events and people of the Bush administration's eight years in office, and he does so with the absurdity and hilarity that his fans have come to expect from him.

The performance is pure, unadulterated satire, but the tone of the show changes constantly. It is, at times, scathing in its condemnation of the former Commander in Chief and the policies of his administration, but then there are moments of such absurd levity that all the audience can do, no matter what one's politics may be, is...well...laugh out loud for prolonged periods of time.

I mean, it's Will Ferrell!

Over the course of the show, Ferrell ostensibly plays "dress up the former President," as he uses incredibly funny scene breaks to run backstage and get changed into different examples of Bush's attire through the years. For example, here's "Camp David W":


And "Mission Accomplished W":

See, it's like a George W. Bush action figure, only funnier. Anyway, back to the show. Ferrell mixes completely fictional stories of the President's youth with cringe-worthy historical moments and actual quotes to create a...well...a portrait, let's say, of the man known as W.

As for my overall take on the show, lemme just slip into my critic hat for a second and say something incredibly cliched--It's a raunchy, laugh-a-minute thrill ride. There. I've always wanted to write something that inane (and yes, I know you can argue that I write something just as inane every time I post to this blah blah blah).

But seriously folks. Here's my real take on You're Welcome. I enjoyed it. Quite a bit. I laughed almost continuously through the show, and I could have stood to watch another hour of the performance. Ferrell's comedy is always dubbed as immature and childish, and as some have noted, "all he does in his movies is take his clothes off and run around." And, while that's pretty accurate, it's always funny when he does so.

That said, Ferrell doesn't take his clothes off during this show, and he doesn't rely on physical comedy (though there is some of that) to get your laughs. Instead, the comedian shows just how politically aware he is in his satirical shots at Bush, going for both subtle jabs at real life decisions and windmill punches at hyperbolic Bush back story.

In my opinion, Ferrell really shines in the performance's last leg, when he displays how quick-witted he is with an ad-libbed interaction with audience members wherein he gives people nicknames (as Bush often did with White House staffers) based on first name and occupation.

Trust me, it's pretty hysterical.

Now, I don't want to give too much more away, because this weekend, HBO will air Ferrell's final performance, Saturday night at 9:00. If you're a Ferrell fan, this is must see television, and if you're into political comedy and you just flat out need a good laugh, then give this show a shot.

That's it for today, so Happy Friday everyone!

On This Day...

As anyone who has read this blog over its short (but epic!) life online knows, we tend to stay away from politics and "real," serious news, and instead we focus on fan culture and the like. We see this blog as a nice little escape for people; be it a quick read during a lunch break, or a nice sit down with a cup of coffee in the morning.

Either way, we want this blog to be fun, and entertaining, and a cool way to stay in tune with all the dorky goodness out there. But today is a different day than any other, and we thought we would be remiss not to mention the historic nature of Inauguration Day 2009.

No matter what your politics are, I think everyone can agree that today marks a unique moment in history; today brings with it the culmination of years and years of struggle and the scene in Washington, DC, this morning is a testament to just that.

Today, our country takes a great leap forward as the Reality of America does its best to catch up with the Promise of America.

So, tomorrow we'll be back with the usual, dorky wonderful that is the nature of this blog, but for now we'd like to leave you with the following:

Yesterday, we celebrated the life and teachings of a great, peaceful man. And today our country will swear in its first African American President. So, on this day in history, we encourage all of our readers to take a moment to think about where we are now, how far we've come, and what is left to be accomplished.

...as you watch the inauguration right here, streaming live from Hulu.com:

James T. Kirk Elected Fake President

Though the political race was neck-and-neck up to the last second, James T. Kirk has emerged victorious with ten votes and has been elected Fake President in a completely fair and unrigged election.

In other news, engineers at Google continue to be baffled by the glitch that causes users' Web browsers to suddenly close after entering the search term Kobayashi Maru.

This has been a truly historic election: Kirk, promoted to Captain in the year 2264, is the first man to be elected President over 200 years before being born.

It was exciting to watch the polls grow from a single vote for Slappy McIntyre to a single vote for Slappy McIntyre and twenty-nine votes divided between everyone else, but the real excitement occurred after the polls closed.


Post-election news

Mario and Luigi, who fell one vote short of Kirk and Spock, appeared before all nine of their supporters late last night for a concession speech.

"Thank you so much for-a voting for me!" began Mario. After an awkward moment in which Mario and Luigi jumped up and down a few times, they left the stage, as they are unaccustomed to speaking more than one or two sentences at a time.

Still, most of their adoring audience continued to scream for the brothers up until the point when the crowd was eaten by the Tarrasque, at which point all of the audience was screaming.

Kirk was scheduled to speak shortly afterward, but he was detained in a fistfight backstage and was deemed unfit for public appearance by election officials after his shirt was unnecessarily torn to shreds in the scuffle.

Meanwhile, Zombie Abe Lincoln, enraged by the mere four votes he had received, began ravenously hungering the flesh of the nearby Vice President-Elect, but then he remembered that Spock's Brain left a bad taste in everyone's mouth.


More post-election news

Reports of scandals related to White House interns is already at an all-time high thanks to the charming Kirk and his running mate, Spock, who is currently undergoing pon farr.

Kirk is currently investigating alternate means of official Presidential transportation. He refuses to ride on Air Force One, claiming that "There's... something on the wing. Some... thing!"

Mario has decided to leave politics for now, choosing instead to pursue a career in medicine. Luigi, frustrated by being second yet again, took out his aggression by throwing any and all objects within reach. Local authorities report that several people were hit by errant vegetables, resulting in over a dozen injuries and one game over.

The Tarrasque left to take a very long nap somewhere. It had spent the entire morning and afternoon rampaging across the country, devouring Ralph Nader supporters before they could get to the polls, which undoubtedly cost him the election.

Bucky Barnes (Not Dead Captain America) left the moment the winner was announced to go rescue the Democratic and Republican candidates for Real President from being assassinated. Presumably, he succeeded, though there's probably no way to know for sure.

Zombie Abe Lincoln is standing right behind you. Don't turn around.

Slappy McIntyre mistakenly assumed that elections were scored like mini-golf and broke out his finest horse to celebrate his assumed success:


Dead Captain America had no comment.

The greatest political "oops" ever?

In case you haven't heard this from other reputable news sites, it was revealed this morning that a grave proofreading error was made on several million ballots across the country in which the Democratic candidate for President was listed as "Barack Obama."

We're sure that nobody noticed this spelling error, however, but in the event that you were mislead in any way, we present to you the true President-Elect for whom the masses actually voted:

--

--

--

--

--

--

--

--

--

--

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Brak Obama.

We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.

Join us later today for the full coverage of our Fake Election.


...What, you don't remember his announcement to run?

Sheesh.


[Image from http://animatedtv.about.com]

Election Day!

Last chance for voting on our poll for Fake President! Vote before midnight tonight, or else you'll turn into a pumpkin.

Tomorrow we'll give you a full news report of the results of our election. Then we'll return to business as usual. For a while.

Once again, here are our candidates:

Slappy McIntyre
James T. Kirk
Super Mario
The Tarrasque
Captain America (Deceased)
Zombie Abe Lincoln

And, in case you've missed out, review our Month in Review if you wanted to see all the other things we've been up to that aren't related to politics. (Well, some of them are...)

Vote for Fake President, and vote for Real President. Waiting and voting took me about 45 minutes, so bring a book, Game Boy, or court jester to entertain you. From what I've heard, the biggest deciding factor in how long it's going to take to vote is the organization of the people running the polling location, but those reports could be false.

Anyhow, everybody go out and vote so we can stop telling you to.

Poll Position

Yet another reminder/request to vote in our poll for Fake President before midnight tomorrow. Make some friends, and then tell all of them to vote!

The more votes we receive, the better our upcoming new banner will be. If it looks like junk, it's because not enough people voted; we'll blame you forever, or until we make a newer banner, whichever happens first.

Based on the current number of votes, our new banner will be a picture of the Hulk next to the words EXFANDING YOUR HORIZONS: BRUCE BANNER written in a hideously colored and nonsensical font, perhaps Wingdings.

Please vote.

Also, as my own public service announcement, make sure to show up to vote for Real President tomorrow. I'll spare you my diatribe on this issue, but vote according to your convictions, not your party affiliation. That's all.

The winner of our Fake Election will be officially announced at some point on Wednesday. Our regular Poll of the Week will resume on Friday, and we will resume posting our usual fare on Thursday. With any luck, circumstances will soon be such that we will be able to start bringing you longer, more detailed posts once again.

In the meantime... go bake a pie or something.

The polls are open!

Ladies and gentlemans, the polls are now open! Vote now for who should be Fake President. There's no electoral college here; your votes actually matter!

If you missed our candidates, here they are again:

Slappy McIntyre
James T. Kirk
Super Mario
The Tarrasque
Captain America (Deceased)
Zombie Abe Lincoln

The winner will be announced on November 5.

Presidential Candidate #6: Zombie Abe Lincoln

Today, Exfanding Your Horizons is proud (read: mildly embarrassed) to bring to you our final candidate for Fake President. Today’s candidate is one half of a Zombie Dream Ticket, and he's hungry for another term in the Oval Office. That, and brains.

Presidential Candidate: Zombie Abraham Lincoln (un-deceased)

Running mate: Zombie Mary Todd Lincoln

Party affiliation: Republican

Experience: Led the nation through the Civil War, enacted the Emancipation Proclamation, considered one of our finest statesmen and one of our greatest Presidents. Oh, and... Blurrgh.

Reason for choosing running mate: After the reanimation, she just seems so much more clear-headed.

Positions on the issues:
- Domestic policy: No more plays. Or theaters. Or actors.
- Gun Control: My heart says no, but the three inch hole in my skull says yes.
- Equal Rights: Zombies were people, too.
- Stephen A. Douglas: He tasted fantastic this morning.

Chances of appearing as a secret boss in the next Resident Evil game: Very high

Reason for not being invited to host Saturday Night Live: Obvious

Least Favorite Actor: A tie between John Wilkes Booth and Bruce Campbell


Well, that's it folks! All of our fake (and ridiculous!) candidates have had their chance to voice their platforms, and soon the time will come for you to choose. So, in the words of that old guy from the movie with the other old guy...choose wisely.



[Photo (minus hysterical word bubble): www.bostonherald.com]

Presidential Candidate #5: Captain America

Yesterday we continued our introduction to the new candidates entering this year's Presidential race. Today, we uh, continue to continue. Confusing sentence structure aside, today’s candidate is a little less…alive…than our other candidates.

Presidential Candidate: Captain America, A.K.A. Steve Rogers (deceased)

Running mate: Captain America, A.K.A. Bucky Barnes (the, uh, alive one)

Party affiliation: Avengers

Experience: Decorated war hero; leader of the Avengers; most patriotic super hero ever

Reason for choosing running mate: What with Rogers being dead and all, choosing a very much alive (and in continuity!) running mate only makes sense.

Positions on the issues:
- Domestic policy: Tony Stark is a jerk, and as President, I will treat him as such.
- Foreign policy: When I was alive, we handled the Skrulls in an issue or two. Today--ha! Decompressed storytelling, anyone? Oh, and Tony Stark is a jerk.
- Marvel Comics' "Dead is Dead" policy: In my first month as President, I promise to appoint editors dedicated to a traditional reading of company-wide mandates, and who will overturn this policy when the issue is brought in front of them.
- Being dead: I’m not real big on that, either.

Campaign rallying cry: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!


Join us tomorrow for more of this nonsense.


[Image from www.marvel.com.]

Presidential Candidate #4: The Tarrasque

Today we're introducing a rather... unconventional candidate. I would say that no further introduction is necessary because this candidate speaks for itself, but... well, this candidate doesn't speak.

Presidential candidate: The Tarrasque

Party affiliation: No, no. The Tarrasque doesn't affiliate with parties. The Tarrasque fully ate parties.

Qualifications: Legendary; virtually unstoppable destructive force; about as tall as a five-story building; survived the conversion to 4th Edition

Reason for devouring running mate: Hunger

Positions on the issues:
- Health care: One word--regeneration
- Foreign policy: Eat everything in sight
- Domestic policy: See above
- National security: Eaten
- Economic crisis: Run for your lives
- Dependency on foreign oil: No, seriously, run for your lives
- Zinc mining: We're all gonna die
- Aaaaargh

Chances of being elected: Burp


Oh, dear.

We're nearly done with introducing new candidates, but come back tomorrow and Monday to see what other candidates we can dig up.


[Image from www.wizards.com.]

Presidential Candidate #3: Super Mario

With all the talk of Joe the Plumber out there, we figured it was time to show you what happens when a plumber really gets involved in politics.

Presidential candidate: Mario

Running Mate: Luigi

Party affiliation: Mario Party

Experience and qualifications: Veteran princess-rescuer; countless victories won against the Koopas; his Final Smash is awesome; excellent driver; master at sports, including, tennis, golf, soccer, baseball, and basketball; alleged plumber

Reason for choosing running mate: Luigi is the only one who can jump high enough to reach the boxes of pasta on the top shelf of the White House kitchen cabinets

Positions on the issues:
- Foreign policy: Mario will personally aid any foreign nation in need of assistance and will pursue his objectives tirelessly until he succeeds or runs out of lives
- Economic crisis: If we plan carefully and time it right, a flying ship full of coins will appear and our financial woes will be over
- National transportation: Replace cars and highways with a complex network of pipes, springboards, and flying carpets
- Pollution: Anything can be cleaned up if you spray water at it long enough
- Military spending: We'll save money by claiming that "Shirt" and "Pants" count as viable battle protection
- Education: All schools will receive complimentary copies of Mario's Time Machine and Mario Teaches Typing
- Abortion: Anyone attempting to harm an infant of any age will be halted by a green dinosaur throwing eggs at them

What you'd have to look forward to at the beginning of every Presidential speech: "It's a-me! Your-a President!"


We continue tomorrow with a legendary candidate that is one of a kind.


[Image from www.mariowiki.com.]

Presidential Candidate #2: James T. Kirk

Yesterday we kicked off our introduction to the new candidates entering this year's Presidential race with a brief look at candidate Slappy McIntyre. Today, we would like to introduce a man who would boldly go where no President has gone before.

Presidential Candidate: James T. Kirk

Running mate: Spock

Party affiliation: Federation

Experience: Starship captain and Starfleet admiral; he was out saving the galaxy while your grandfather was in diapers

Reason for choosing running mate: To win over the pointy-eared demographic that went unrepresented when Legolas dropped out of the running

Positions on the issues:
- Energy crisis: We need more power, Scotty!
- Immigration: Heightened security to protect against illegal aliens with ridged foreheads
- Gun control: All firearms should have an optional "stun" setting
- Domestic policy: A chicken in every pot; a woman in every port
- Foreign policy: Attack any nations we can't communicate with, then sleep with their women
- Gay marriage: Not unless I'm invited to the wedding

Campaign rallying cry: KHAAAAAAN!!!


Join us tomorrow for an overview of the first sibling duo (that we know of) to run for President.


[Image from www.trekcore.com.]

And Now, for Something Completely Different

In these tumultuous days of Stock Market fluctuations and increasingly important political issues, the country has come to a defining moment in its history. And, with the current tone of this year’s Presidential Election being what it is, we here at Exfanding Your Horizons have decided that the time has come to throw a few new hats into the ring.

So, over the next several days as we approach the real election, we will present you with several candidates for our fake election.

During the week leading up to Election Day, we’ll have a poll up for you to vote for your favorite fake candidate.

Then, on Election Day, we'll reveal the President of the United States that you voted for.

Anyway, on to our first candidate. Enjoy... and Godspeed, little doodles...



He is a man who will help to heal the wounds of division between us in this country.

A man who will stand up for the working class.

A man who will fix the economy.

A man who will be the greatest American President.

He is...this man:

His name: Slappy McIntyre
His party affiliation: Independent Socialist/Fascist (on weekends)
His platform: Playstation 3...until "Gears of War 2" comes out, anyway.
His promise: To ensure hilarity in the Oval Office.
His running mate: None; as a fascist, Slappy hates everyone. Especially you.

Vote Slappy McIntyre ’08!


We warned you it would be something different. Be on the lookout tomorrow for candidates... from... SPACE!!!

Seriously.