Clash of the Eggnogs: A Holiday Taste Test

Being the jolly curmudgeon that I am, the Christmas season—for me, at least—shouldn't start until (a) it's December, and (b) we've seen snow at least once. There is to be no dancing or prancing in Jingle Bell Square until the air is sufficiently frosty. Figgy pudding is out of the question so long as there's still leftover turkey and stuffing in the fridge. And if I see someone hauling out the holly before Thanksgiving, it makes me want to haul out the shotgun and take aim at their festive inflatable reindeer.

"Humbug," I say. And also, "bah."

Then my wife came home with eggnog as it snowed on Halloween.

Technically, the eggnog came a little sooner, and the snow a little later, but the point is that someone decided that the official beverage of the holiday season (along with snow!) should be available in October. And my wife, who likes eggnog more than she likes my perfectly reasonable decree that the most wonderful time of the year only lasts 2-3 weeks in December, has kept our home stocked with the hit-or-miss libation ever since.

Fortunately for me, she likes to try different brands and varieties. Perhaps you recall my white cheddar burger showdown? Well, for your consideration, here's a review of the many flavors of eggnog (and near-eggnog beverages) that have passed through our fridge this holiday and pre-holiday season:

Stop & Shop Egg Nog
Purchased from: Stop & Shop

Don't let the generic name fool you—take a chance on the ridiculous holiday cow. Striking a satisfyingly sweet balance between eggy and creamy, this is the drink to which other eggnogs should aspire. There's nothing particularly notable about this one, other than that it's good, plain and simple. It doesn't go overboard with its flavor and consistency; by being relatively average, it ends up being above average, if that makes any sense. And if it doesn't make sense, read on, and you'll find how individuality is not necessarily a trait to be coveted in eggnogs.

Verdict: 4/5: Easily drinkable, filling but not heavy, and flat-out tasty.


Tuscan Holiday Eggnog
Purchased from: PathMark

It's...eggnog. Pretty much what I think of when I think eggnog. Coats your throat without being overly thick; more eggy than creamy; has that faint smell of "holiday spices," whatever those are.

Verdict: 3/5: It's fine. It's eggnog.


Borden Eggnog
Purchased from: Stop & Shop

Wait...Borden!? The cheese people?? And it comes in an unrefrigerated box?? There was no way this would be any good.

And it wasn't. It was tolerable at first; nothing more or less than creamy egg glop. No "holiday spices" to speak of. And yes, I did refrigerate it first. After a few sips, that "processed, out-of-a-box" smell quickly gave way to something more foul, like the eggnog had started to spoil in the ninety seconds it had been in my glass.

The texture is what finally got to me—this eggnog is nearly gag-inducingly thick to begin with, but as it coated my throat more and more, it reached a point where it felt like drinking egg-flavored plastic cheese. You know what I mean by "plastic cheese," right? Processed cheese singles...like the kind Borden makes.

Verdict: 0/5: I got through half of the half-glass I'd poured myself before giving up, and I still feel a little sick.


Hood Caramel Eggnog
Purchased from: PathMark

My wife says this one tastes nothing like caramel and everything like melted whipped cream, which is a total fib—the caramel taste here is almost brutish at first. You can smell it: it's like slightly burnt caramel. As far as consistency goes, the melted whipped cream comparison isn't too far off, and I suppose it does taste a bit like whipped cream...buried under layers of caramel that do seem to mellow the more you consume. Whatever it tastes like, it certainly isn't traditional eggnog—though that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Verdict: 3/5: It's pleasant enough. I don't mind caramel, but it's never been a selling point for me, so this is probably the highest score a 'nog like this could get.


Market Pantry Red Chocolate Velvet Holiday Milk
Purchased from: Target

This one was simply too ridiculous to pass up. Red Chocolate Velvet Holiday Milk?? Preposterous.

Delicious.

It was like drinking chocolate pudding with the consistency of Hershey's Milkshake—the latter being my all-time favorite premixed chocolate beverage out of a can, bottle, or carton (at least, until they seemingly changed the recipe a few years ago). This was rich, creamy, chocolatey, velvety, and satisfyingly desserty. Easily a contender for best premixed chocolate beverage I've had.

Verdict: 5/5: If "easily a contender for best premixed chocolate beverage I've had" isn't an endorsement, I don't know what is.


Cream-O-Land Holiday Style Eggnog
Purchased from: Local farmers' market

Look at that carton design. My wife says you can't go wrong with the holiday cow, and I'd say that's true. Though I'm a little suspicious of the "Holiday Style" descriptor; it's sort of like saying "Holiday Style Christmas Carols" or "Lawyer Style Subpoenas."

If you were to take Hood Caramel Eggnog and remove the caramel flavor, this is pretty much what you'd get. Impressively smooth, pleasantly creamy, and not all that eggy. Not unlike drinking melted eggnog-flavored whipped cream.

Verdict: 3/5: Enjoyable, but perhaps too light for its own good; feels like there's something missing. Perhaps that caramel eggnog left more of an impression than I thought.


Farmland Dairies Premium Eggnog
Purchased from: CVS

I see you, impostor holiday cow. You think you're all festive, but in fact, you are not. Do I see a Santa hat? Do I see a wreath in your mouth? No. Where is your holiday style, cow?

I tried valiantly to peg the unusual aroma wafting up from this 'nog, and the closest I could get was "faintly egg-scented garbage masked by cleaning solution" before my wife suggested it smelled like alcohol. Amaretto, Kahlúa, or Bailey's, to be specific. Clearly, I have no idea what I'm talking about. This 'nog is reasonably thick, and the taste is on the eggier side, to be sure, but still creamy. My wife says it gives the impression of being spiked, without actually being spiked. My wife also says she should write her own reviews of these eggnogs.

Verdict: 2/5: This eggnog confuses me. You'll probably like it more if you like the taste of...what did my wife call it, "alcohol"?...but I can do without that.


Dairy Fresh Chocolate Truffle
Purchased from: ShopRite

Chocolate truffle, eh? Well, Dairy Fresh does not disappoint. Another viscous delight in the same puddingy vein as Market Pantry's Red Velvet Holiday Milk, though the first sip or two reminded me of regular chocolate milk—at least, the way I make regular chocolate milk, which is chocolate syrup and possibly a splash of milk. This really does taste and feel like a melted chocolate truffle.

Verdict: 4/5: Not quite decadent, per se, but certainly more of a dessert than a beverage proper. And a very tasty dessert at that.


Organic Valley Organic Eggnog
Purchased from: ShopRite

Finally. While Tuscan Holiday Eggnog is what I expect when I have eggnog, Redundant Valley Eggnog is what I hope for when I have eggnog. It's like drinking milk, but thicker, and more on the vanilla ice cream side of dairy flavors. The ingredients list suggests that "organic fair trade nutmeg" is the source of the hint those elusive holiday spices here.

Verdict: 4/5: Delightful. I don't know whether the "organic" bit is what makes the difference, but I certainly wouldn't mind more eggnogs like this.


Hood Limited Edition Sugar Cookie Eggnog
Purchased from: ShopRite

So far, I am very impressed with Hood's ability to accurately convey what their eggnogs taste like. (Or, conversely, succeed at making their eggnogs taste like what they want to name them.) This one is nothing short of liquid sugar cookie. I'm beginning to think that "eggnog" is just a code word for specialty beverages that would otherwise be too novel for most people to take a chance on.

Verdict: 5/5: It's just as desserty as the Dairy Fresh Chocolate Truffle, but not so thick and rich that it strays from being a traditional beverage. Addictive.


Dairy Fresh Red Velvet
Purchased from: ShopRite

Is there actually a market for more than one brand of red velvet holiday beverage? Perhaps...but as far as I'm concerned, not while Market Pantry is still in business. This one actually tastes like red velvet cake, which puts it at a disadvantage—I'll eat red velvet cake, but I'm not a fan. Excessive frosting usually ruins a cake for me, and red velvet anything (at least in my experience) is characterized by excessive frosting—even when it's poured into a cup. There's enough of that essence of red velvet (both in smell and taste) to give the impression of the cake portion of this equation, but it's that too-sweet frosting flavor that wants to run the show here.

Verdict: 2/5: If you're a fan of red velvet, bump that score up a point. For me, it's too much like the frosting and not enough like the cake.


Turkey Hill Egg Nog
Purchased from: ShopRite

It's...eggnog. Think Tuscan Holiday Eggnog, but switch out the "holiday spices" for a stronger scent of egg.

Verdict: 2/5: This one's pretty average as far as eggnogs go, but the smell matters a great deal now that I'm an eggnog snob.


So Delicious Dairy Free Nog Coconut Nog Milk Beverage
Purchased from: Stop & Shop

Well, it's about time that someone 'fesses up that there is, in fact, no egg in their eggnog. So, it's just called nog. The Ferengi would be proud. I would be proud, too, except (a) I can't deal with the ridiculously long and silly name, and (b) it's not very good! I am perhaps not the right audience for this drink, because I like my dairy, and I've always found coconut milk to be a little too strong for my tastes. The texture and flavor are that of a milkshake made of coconut pudding and coconut milk that's somehow non-dairy.

Verdict: 1/5: If you're lactose-intolerant or cuckoo for coconuts, give this an extra point or two; I, for one, could not stop making faces while drinking this. I think using the Scotty glass was appropriate for this one.


Southern Comfort Traditional Egg Nog
Purchased from: ShopRite

If you would've asked me last year which brand of eggnog was the best, I would've told you without hesitation that it was Southern Comfort. After consuming more eggnog in the past few months that I've consumed in the last decade, I'm not so sure anymore. This is a proper eggnog—thick, balanced evenly between creamy and eggy, gently wafting "holiday spices" into the nostrils as the glass is drawn near to the nose (or mouth, or however you drink your eggnog)—but after my experiences this season, I've concluded that I'd rather have an improper eggnog that makes little or no attempt to live up to the "egg" part of its namesake.

Don't get me wrong—Southern Comfort is good, and it's still one of the best eggnogs around. I suspect that I'm simply suffering from overexposure, and it doesn't help that I had this directly after a glass of the So Not Delicious Absurdly Convoluted Title Coconut Milk Drink Beverage Nog.

Verdict: 4/5: A hearty, quality eggnog. Be sure to keep an eye out for the vanilla-flavored variant; I couldn't find it this year, but that extra touch of creamy sweetness makes this eggnog even better.


Closing Thoughts

Folks, I am officially eggnogged out...and I haven't even scratched the surface of what's out there. Hood alone has a few more special flavors to try, and that's to say nothing of all the regional brands and offerings from local dairy farms.

To recap, here's the list from best to worst:

Highly recommended:
- Hood Limited Edition Sugar Cookie Eggnog
- Market Pantry Red Chocolate Velvet Holiday Milk

Recommended:
- Dairy Fresh Chocolate Truffle
- Stop & Shop Egg Nog
- Southern Comfort Traditional Egg Nog
- Organic Valley Organic Eggnog

Pretty decent:
- Cream-O-Land Holiday Style Eggnog
- Hood Caramel Eggnog
- Tuscan Holiday Eggnog

Probably not worth it:
- Dairy Fresh Red Velvet
- Farmland Dairies Premium Eggnog
- Turkey Hill Egg Nog

Definitely not worth it:
- So Delicious Dairy Free Nog Coconut Nog Milk Beverage

BLEAUGH—for the person on your Naughty list this Christmas:
- Borden Eggnog

We'd love to hear from you if you've got a different opinion on these drinks, some recommendations of your own, or some horror stories about eggnogs and "holiday milks" to avoid. Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and happy...erm...eggnog consumption.

Thanksgiving; or, Why Not to Write About Thanksgiving

I'm sometimes reluctant to post anything topical when a holiday or other commemorative event rolls around, if it's just for the sake of posting something topical—it's not that holiday posts are bad, per se, but they make annoying our readers even easier than usual. For example:

- Distinctly US holidays such as Thanksgiving have the potential to alienate our international readers (you may recall that one person from Romania who navigated here by accident that one time);

- Religious holidays such as Easter aren't celebrated by everyone, and even if they were, I'd still be wary of helping oversaturate the public consciousness with the only thing that anyone is able to talk about that day (or that half of the year, if we're talking Christmas);

- Valentine's Day and other romantic celebrations (such as wedding anniversaries) remind your unhappiest single readers how lonely, bitter, jealous, and/or emotionally vulnerable they're feeling;

- Any day that, simply by mentioning it, means you have to pick sides—I can't just say that it's Veterans Day; I need to condone or condemn war in the same breath, which will divide readers, or else people will start making assumptions about my beliefs based on what I don't say, so I need to write a longwinded explanation that honors our veterans while even-handedly respecting both viewpoints about war, which will still aggravate some people;

- Tax Day.

 I could go on, but even posts about how posts about holidays can be obnoxious, can be obnoxious. Like that last sentence.

Exfanding tradition dictates that, unless we've got a full-blown post in mind, we should find a comic book cover relevant to the holiday that we want to recognize, maybe throw in a famous quote, and call it a day. Well, if you can overlook the fact that I forgot Halloween and blew my chance to write about the Fake Election this year, I'm not one to argue with tradition.

So, in the traditional Exfanding style, allow me to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!

Why are they playing Christmas music already?
-Me

Image from www.coverbrowser.com.

Return to October Country

Here we are again. It's October. Halloween season. Election season.

Tough to say which is scarier, really.

For me, October is where I rely on other people to tell me the leaves are beautifully changing colors, because I'm color-blind. October is where I break out the comfy jacket to go along with the long sleeves I've been wearing for as much of the summer as I could tolerate. October is where I start thinking about plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and in doing so, realize I've once again forgotten my mother's birthday.

For this blog, October is always a time of anticipation and storytelling. There are conventions. There was even a Renaissance Faire, that one time. But more than anything else, October is home. Not for me, but for my absent blogging buddy, Alex. A few years back, he wrote about this time of year—"The October Country," as Ray Bradbury called it—and ever since, I haven't been able to think about it any other way.

Even though this country is the next one over from the one I call home.

Personally, I'm holding out for the turkey and mistletoe. I've always preferred hockey over football, sleigh rides over hayrides, and Classic Holiday Movie over The One Where Stupid Kids Get Killed Stupidly Because They're Stupid IV: This Time, With More Knives. Yet the earnest enthusiasm that Alex, my wife, and others have for this season starts to rub off after a while, and I find myself starting to appreciate aspects of this month that I previously thought little about or avoided altogether. I think, especially right now, October is good for my health.

I could use a change of season. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I could use a change of season. Fresh faces, fresh side projects, fresh air—fresh baked goods would do nicely, too, but I won't beg. This creature of habit is longing for a break from his routine, which means I need a change of season.

Even if it's nothing more than an excuse to finally watch Bubba Ho-tep this year, I'm looking forward to this trip through October Country.

Memorial Day 2012

A hero is someone who has given his or her life to something bigger than oneself. 

- Joseph Campbell

GameCola Recap: April 2012

Holy Hatris! Thanks to a frenzy of podcasting activity, some exciting news in the adventure gaming world, and the celebration of its tenth anniversary, videogame humor website GameCola.net was inundated with my participation in the month of April. Looking back through the archives, there haven't been this many articles with my name attached to them since February 2010!

I need a nap.

Column:

- The Archive Dive: GameCola's 10th Anniversary Edition [Collaboration with Paul Franzen]

News:

- See Ya on the Chronostream...Again?

Podcasts:

- GC Podcast #38: UNCUT [April Fools' gag]

- GC Podcast #39: It's Pronounced "Crystalis"

- The GameCola 10th Anniversary 10-Hour Podtacular Is Live NOW!

Videos:

- GameCola 10th Anniversary Blowout Extravaganza Collaboration Celebration

- GC Podcast #33 on YouTube: 3D Games

Gameplaying the Fool

I don't believe I ever told you about the April Fools' joke I pulled last year.

It started out harmlessly enough--my YouTube playthrough of Mega Man 6 was running way behind schedule, and I had decided to give my anxious viewers a preview of the video I was working on. Nothing too spectacular; a little over a minute of raw footage with no commentary, but visually interesting enough to stand on its own. However, I wasn't just going to hand this over to my fans--if they were that eager to see some new material, then surely they wouldn't mind a scavenger hunt to find it.

Now, one thing that's important to understand is that a number of my viewers like to hang out on my channel, participate in ongoing conversations, and rewatch my videos with some degree of frequency. This is the kind of crowd you need to make a YouTube scavenger hunt work. I made the grand announcement that I had released an unlisted video--one you could only find if you had the video URL--and that I had scattered clues across my channel as to what the URL was.

Here it is in full:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D08h2WI_QvY

I explained to my viewers that I had split the link into seven parts. The biggest chunk was easily visible on the main page of my channel; the rest were character pairs (letters, numbers, or symbols) hidden somewhere on the video page for six different videos, one from each Mega Man game I had worked on up to that point. By locating all the URL pieces and assembling them in order, viewers could access my top-secret bonus video. I admitted up front that it was most likely not worth the effort they'd put into finding it, but hopefully the search would be sufficiently entertaining.

I was impressed by the sportsmanship--people largely kept to themselves, and didn't ruin the surprise for anyone. There were a few pieces that people found particularly tricky to locate, but I gradually introduced more clues to point folks in the right direction. The biggest general hint I could give was to look for anything that was out of place.

Some of these were particularly devious.

In my channel profile, I provided the first part of the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v

In the description of one of my Mega Man 1 videos, I uncharacteristically ended one of my professional-looking explanatory sentences with the big grinning face emoticon. This emoticon also happened to be the next part of the URL: =D

I made a big deal in one of my videos about how I avoided cluttering up my videos with comment boxes (annotations); I added a comment box to the corner of a Mega Man 2 video with the next part of the URL: 08

I snuck one of the pieces into the title of a video: "Mega Man 3 - Part h2"

One of my video descriptions for Mega Man 4 was slightly altered to discuss: A video review / walkthrough / showoff video of Mega Man 4 (NES), WIth retrospective audio commentary.

Another piece was concealed as a video search tag for one of my Mega Man 5 installments: _Q

The last piece was hidden...somewhere in the description of a Mega Man 6 video, but for the life of me I cannot remember where. Presumably at the beginning or end of a word where I could subtly tack on an extra letter to form the character pair--for example, when talking about vYamato Man. Wherever it was, I recall this being one of the easier pieces to find.

The scavenger hunt went on for a few weeks. On April 1st, with the next official video still a ways away from completion, I decided to go public with the top-secret scavenger hunt video...as an April Fools' joke.

Relatively few of my viewers had successfully located all the parts of the URL and seen the video, so this would be a perfect way to both share the secret with the masses and sucker them in with a gag at the same time. I made it the featured video on my channel, and passed it off as Part 5 (the next installment) of my Mega Man 6 run. The kicker was the video description:

After a series of major setbacks with the recording of my Mega Man 6 commentary, I was forced to either re-record the whole thing or just give up entirely. So, there's no commentary with this video.

It's been a lot of work to put together these videos, and I just don't have the time I used to, so this will probably be the last video I make. Sorry about that.

Disappointment. Tragedy. Outrage. Then the observant folks went on to read the video tags:

* not actually Part 5
* ha ha gotcha
* april fools

Laughter. Relief. Still outrage. A few people don't take kindly to April Fools' jokes. Mine was (inadvertently) extra sneaky because the video posting date wasn't April 1, but in fact March 3, making it appear that much more legit.

Still, as good a prank as I've ever pulled, not to mention the best scavenger hunt I think I've ever thrown. Things to keep in mind for the future, methinks.

A Brief Interlude...Or Is That a Prelude?

Normally at this time of year, Nathaniel and I pat ourselves on the back(s) and tell you how great we are by ranking our best posts of the past 12 months. We won't be doing that today but rest assured, our egos won't allow us not to do exactly that sometime this week.

Complicated double negatives aside, the reason we won't be doing our yearly recap is an interesting one. And, come to think of it, there are actually two reasons. First and foremost, I start a new job today--I know, it's kinda weird that it's on the day after New Year's, right?--and I've been a bit preoccupied with getting things in order for my first week.

And second, my wireless router at home is acting all kinds of strange and I haven't been able to get online without interruption since Friday. My connection is still a bit wonky today, and I'm starting to think it's because of the (several) new devices I've introduced to the network in the last week or so.

It's working fine now, but it's been going in and out and driving me just a tad bit insane so I'm not overly optimistic that I won't get bumped offline before I finish writing this post up.

Even so, I will trudge on and attempt to provide you all with something (moderately) entertaining for this first Monday of 2012.

I haven't talked much about making this most recent transition to a new job, mostly because my last two weeks at my previous gig were filled with finishing up a book or two and tying up as many loose ends as was possible. More than that, though, I wasn't thrilled with the way things ended there, and I guess not enough time has passed to heal those wounds.

I can say that leaving turned out to be an incredibly emotional experience, and there's a long list of people I will miss quite a bit. I made enough friends there to warrant co-worker lunches and dinners for two weeks straight and I plan to stay in contact with as many of those folks as possible.

Sometimes you need to make a decision based on what's best for your professional life, and you cannot allow your personal life to get in the way, no matter how hard that may be. That was certainly the case for me, and while it's been tough to come to grips with my leaving, I am very excited to start something new.

Which is an entirely appropriate statement for New Year's, I'd say.

I'm incredibly fortunate to have this new opportunity in front of me, and I plan to dive into it just as I've done at my previous jobs.

Oh, and speaking of something new, I've got a couple things planned for this year that have me pretty jazzed. One's a book project that you'll be hearing about very shortly-- a children's book, to be exact--as my artist and I ramp up the production schedule heading into the spring.

The plan is to have the book ready and to the printer by May, and available for sale in October.

If you're interested in taking a quick sneak peek at the book's main character, you can check out this page, where my artist--the incredibly talented Abigail Larson--has posted the first teaser image.

Let me know what you think, or better yet, leave a comment on Abigail's DeviantArt page and let her know what you think. Needless to say, I can't wait for this to take shape and I plan to keep you guys updated as things move along.

I've decided that 2012 will be--for better or worse--the year I try a bunch of things I've either been planning for a while or that I've been thinking about planning for a while. (Don't worry. It makes sense to me.)

So here's to a new and exciting year, Exfanders. I know I'm looking forward to it.

Newer Year's Resolutions

In 2009 we gave our New Year's Resolutions. In 2010 we made resolutions for each other. In 2011 we made de-resolutions (just like in TRON). Before we look ahead to 2012, let's step back and see how we completely botched all of our plans for the previous year, shall we?

Here's a summary of what we vowed at the beginning of 2011:

Nathaniel will not...
- Teach Alex anything more about the technical, behind-the-scenes workings of the blog
- Remember to ask Alex to borrow more trade paperbacks of The Goon
- Kill Grizzly Adams

Alex will not...
- Get rid of the widget that causes HTML snow to fall on the blog during the holidays
- Be able to break his addiction to single-issue comics
- Watch the remaining Star Wars movies (specifically, Episodes II-III)

Somewhere, an achievement has been unlocked. We have succeeded on EVERY SINGLE ONE of our de-resolutions. I demand a festive hat for the occasion.

Now then.

This year we'll go back to the basics: regular ol' resolutions written by us, for us. No checklists this time; just broad goals we'd like to work toward. I think we can handle this.


Nathaniel's Goal #1: Don't go anywhere.
Last year was a big year. I did a lot of traveling. I spent a lot of money on travel expenses. I enjoy getting out of the house from time to time and visiting friends and family. For the sake of my wallet, my sanity, my apartment, and my personal projects, I cannot be out of town all weekend, every weekend, for seven months straight, with 2-10 hours of each weekend spent in the car.

Alex's Goal #1: Never enter Nathaniel's new state of residence.
This will ensure that, if Nathaniel ever wants to see his blogging buddy, he must travel. Preferably on short notice. And on a weekend. Also, I will hold all copies of Goon collections hostage until Nathaniel makes said short notice, weekend trip to my neck of the woods.


Nathaniel's Goal #2: Start having guests again.
My second goal has a nice symbiotic relationship with the first goal: If I can be home long enough to clean up the apartment and prepare some geeky activities, I might be able to see people more often by staying at home and having them visit me. I've already got plans for a Harry Potter marathon, a new ongoing Dungeons & Dragons campaign, and tricking Alex into seeing Star Wars: Episodes II-III.

Alex's Goal #2: Refer back to Alex's Goal #1
One step ahead of ya, Flashman. One step ahead.


Nathaniel's Goal #3: Eat less fried dough.
I've been gradually getting softer around the middle over the past two or three years. Sedentary lifestyle, unhealthy dietary choices, and apple-throwing monkeys are to blame. I'm not about to propose that I cut out desserts and try to lose weight--all I'm looking for is to be a little more active, and to avoid consuming excessively large portions of anything fattening.

Alex's Goal #3: Eat more fried dough.
That one's pretty self explanatory, actually.


Nathaniel's Goal #4: Record videos more often.
I post videos on two different YouTube channels, one of which has a very active fan community. This past year, I released four videos. Four. That's barely 53 minutes of entertainment. 'Nuff said.

Alex's Goal #4: Kill Grizzly Adams.
This is the one thing--THE ONE THING--that has haunted my nightmares these past 12 months. (And also that apple-throwing monkey.) Now, I know I say (or, more appropriately, vow) every year that I will finally off that bear-keeping, woods walking, beard-wearing early American nogoodnik, but this will be the year. Mark my words.


As I said: I think we can handle this.

On Tradition

This has been a weird Yuletide for me. I've spent most of it cycling between bouts of trepidation, bouts of annoyance, and bouts of disappointment, excitement, sadness, and happiness.

Also, there was some gas.

So, yeah, pretty much ran the gamut of emotion these past 30 days or so. Not exactly the way I pictured my holiday (or my vacation), but that's what's fun and infuriating and so great about Life.

After all, it's what happens when you're busy making other plans.

So while my December hasn't exactly been...typical...some things never change. And thank goodness for tradition, I say.

The holidays mean a lot of things. Gatherings with family and friends, exchanging gifts, drinking eggnog, trimming the tree, taking a week off and staring at the wall.

Most of all, though, I think the holidays represent the familiar. For a day or two over the course of the entire year, we can all dive back into things we've done for years, ever since we were kids.

And even if certain things about those traditions have changed--people, places--some things will just always be there.

For me, I'm spending my Christmas morning reading some Goon comics, waiting for company to arrive.

Whatever it is you're doing today, I hope it's fun, and familiar, and just what you wished for.

To all of you, we here at Exfanding wish you the happiest holidays and the Merriest Christmas ever.

Good King What's-His-Face

Good King What's-His-Face looked out
On some dude named Stephen;
Told the hero all about the
Quest he'd soon be leadin':
Evildoers he would fight;
End the Bad Guy's rule.
In return he'd grow in might
And find precious jewels.

"Well, good king, that's fine by me,
If you don't mind telling
Just how strong this foe might be
And just where he's dwelling?"
"Steven, there is no offense
That can pierce his chitin,
And I'll give you no pretense: we
Don't know where he's hidin'."

"Bring me swords of pow'r divine,
Bring me magic armor.
Potions, herbs will do just fine,
Scrolls of An'lyze Dweomer."
Though he spake with good intent,
His hopes fell like a feather
When the king did not assent
To the +5 Leather.

"Steve, I wish to help somehow;
I can't lift a finger.
Royal spending won't allow
Alms for a bladesinger."
"Mark my words, my kindly liege,
You offend me sorely.
No man e'er could mount a siege
Thus equipped so poorly."

Suddenly the king guffawed,
At the hero squinted.
Found his expectations flawed
When the hero sprinted.
Therefore, if your hero's poor
--And this point's worth stressing--
Little handouts will ensure
Your plight's worth assessing.

Status Quote

Given that it's taken us two weeks to get most of the way through our week-long Gifts for Geeks celebration, I feel a status update is in order.

At virtually any other point this year, any delays could have been attributed to the Big Life Stuff that was keeping me busy. This time, I am pleased to report, it's not my fault. As it turns out, Alex is the one with Big Life Stuff afoot, which he'll probably share through cryptic hints over the next few months until he finally writes a formal explanation, which he will either immediately discard after re-reading or hold off on posting until the Cubs win the Super Bowl.

And yes, I realize the Cubs only play in the Stanley Cup.

So, without Alex here today to dismiss or substantiate any claims that behind-the-scenes machinations are responsible for our slightly irregular posting schedule, I can only give a status update on what's going on in NathanielLand. I realize this will have nothing to do with why we keep putting off Gifts for Geeks, but hey, it's free admission.


- Life is gradually returning to normal (or whatever passes for normal 'round these parts) now that the wedding is over and weekend road trips have been scaled back to a more reasonable frequency. Consequently, I'm finding more time to tackle my long-neglected errands, housework, and creative projects. Productivity is happiness.

- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim has been released and is consuming the lives of millions. True to form, I'm just getting around to playing The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind.

- With barely any time to enjoy it, my wife and I have finally set up our Christmas tree. Our 4' tall, chintzy blue Christmas tree.

In other news, we desperately need a more holiday-appropriate tree topper than a Dr. Wily action figure and an Enterprise NX-01.

- I inadvertently threw myself into a nightmare holiday shopping scenario, the likes of which I swore I try to avoid. The Saturday before Christmas, I head out to the mall. I realize it will be busy. I realize I may need to drive around a while before locating a parking space. I realize everything will be sold out by the time I get there.

I fail to realize I'm now living in a place where the mall is the size of the town I used to live in, and situated at the intersection of two major thoroughfares. I have a lovely 45-minute joyride around the mall before I decide that maybe a smile and a hug is all anybody needs for Christmas.

- The wife and I got out to see Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows in the theater this past weekend. We don't get out to the movies so often anymore--we watched J. Edgar over Thanksgiving weekend with my family; before that, I believe the last film we saw in the theater was Kung Fu Panda 2, back in May. Come to think of it, we've hardly watched any movies recently--it's been a lot of Star Trek and LEGO Batman instead.

- At long last, I discovered the option that allows me to organize the game list on my Backloggery. It was fun to tinker around a little bit and make some updates. I'm also pleased and amused to see that my GameCola article on The Backloggery is still the first Google search result that isn't the site itself.

- The Third Easiest Contest on the Internet, after sparking a good amount of initial interest, seems to have quieted down significantly. But, with a deadline of January 4, there's still plenty of time to follow us on social media and poke holes in our archives for a shot at a $15 Amazon.com gift certificate. See, it doesn't sound so much like shameless advertising when it's part of a status update, right?


Well, that should do for now. We've got a Waiting for Wednesday lined up for tomorrow as usual, followed by what we suspect will be a conclusion to this year's Gifts for Geeks. Stay tuned.

Gifts for Geeks 2011: Bring it On!

Okay, so the title of this post is a complete lie. We won't actually be bringing you anything Gifts for Geeks related this morning.

Mostly because I...um...forgot that we were doing that today. What can I say? It's been a really long, really stressful week.

So instead of actual, bonafide content today, you'll get an IOU (or, I suppose, a "WeOU" since I like blaming Nathaniel for things).

So, yeah. Sorry about that. Not to fear, though, because (the all-new, all-different) Gifts for Geeks is coming soon.

Ish.

Soon-ish.

What's that? Tomorrow? Who knows? That's what makes coming to the blog every day so exciting--you'll never know if we're gonna waste your time with some nonsense or the other, or if we're gonna completely waste your time.

It truly is an exciting time to be alive and reading Exfanding, is it not?

Oh, boy. I need a graceful exit here. Lessee...nope. Got nothing. Sorry, folks. We'll do better next time.

But, um. Don't hold us to that, okay?

The Holidays, Exfanding Style

So this is our big, important warning--uh, I mean post--to officially kick off the holiday season here at Exfanding Your Horizons. Not gonna be much content today, except to tell you that the 2012 edition of Gifts for Geeks is coming.

As I'm sure you're all well aware, Gifts for Geeks is the Internet's longest-running and most-respected holiday gift guide for the dorky. (Editor's Note: Um. That's really not true.)

And since we're kind of old hands at this particular game, we're going to mix things up a bit this time around. Be sure to check back in later this week to see just what in the heck I'm talking about.

This year things are gonna be all new and all different, but if you'd like to catch up on still-relevant (and always amazingly well written, snarky, and informative) previous Gifts for Geeks posts, here's a little reader's guide for ya:

We've covered all the basics, from anime and comics to more comics and even more comics. And, um. just a little more comics.

From gifts that will cost you nothing to gifts that will cost you everything, from "safe" gifts for that impossible to buy for geek in your life to our greatest gifts ever, we've really left no stone unturned over the past three years.

If that's still not enough gift ideas for you, there's also a rundown of the baddest gifts ever and the indispensable guide to the hottest gifts of 1989.

Literally something for everyone.

So go check out previous guides, leave comments and suggest your own dorky gift ideas, and be sure to check back in later this week for the 2011 edition.

GameCola Recap: November 2011

This is the part of the recap where I make excuses and promise I'll make it all up to you next month. Oh, I've got something to show for being a staff writer with videogame humor website GameCola.net--a ROM hack video that's pretty clever, if I do say so myself--but if you read our Thanksgiving post, then you've already seen it...and you might have even seen it before that, considering it was originally released back in 2009.

Still, I wrote a whole four sentences about the video, and that makes following the link and watching it all over again totally worth it.

Video:

- A Very EarthBound Thanksgiving
.

Happy Thanksgiving 2011!

Well, we're gonna go the corny, expected route with today's post. We here at Exfanding Your Horizons are thankful for a lot of things. But at the top of that list is you.

We are incredibly thankful for every single reader we have. You guys make sitting down to write for this blog fun and meaningful, and we can't thank you enough for that.

We can, however, post up some Thanksgiving comic book covers. Because we love you. Oh, also. Nathaniel mentioned something about a hilarious Earthbound YouTube video. Since I have no idea what that is, I've simply tacked the video on to the end of this post.

Enjoy...and Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!

The Halloween That (Really) Wasn't

We was robbed, I tells ya.

In an ironic follow-up to last year's similarly titled post, this year I actually did manage to completely miss Halloween.

As in, for me, Halloween did not happen.

*Poof* and goodbye.

Because of the previously mentioned October snowstorm and the subsequent power outage(s), I was, quite literally, in the dark on Halloween.

And not in a good way.

And it wasn't just me. In several towns in Connecticut, Halloween was actually postponed. Because of all the trees and power lines down, Trick r' Treating was pushed back in many places to tomorrow (Saturday, November 5).

Imagine that--You only get five good Halloweens as a kid, and kids growing up now just got robbed of one. It's like that movie, only the witch decided not to take her annual ride, and Halloween was actually cancelled.

Huh.

As I've stated many times before, Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love horror movies and novels, creepy comics, and really, all things related to the season. I am a full-fledged citizen of Mr. Bradbury's October Country, and I look forward each year to the changing colors of the leaves.

This year, though. Yikes. This wasn't like forgetting to buy a pumpkin, nor was it like not having enough time to read a favorite holiday novel or comic.

This year?

This year there was no Santa--uh, I mean Jack Skellington. There was no Freddy or Jason or Dracula. But, what's worse, this year there was no Michael Myers. My favorite holiday, and my favorite horror movie.

And. I. Didn't. Get. To. Watch. It.

The lights were way, way out by Sunday and still quite hilariously out by Monday, and laptops were drained to start the weekend, so that option wasn't looking great. Still, I had to at least attempt to keep holy the one Halloween tradition I have never broken.

I was going to watch John Carpenter's original Halloween, no matter what. I simply had to see if Laurie Strode manages to get away this year.

So, despite the fact that my laptop had just below 20% power, and that I almost certainly should have saved some power for the week ahead, I popped the Blu-Ray into the player and the (glorious, creepy, and iconic) opening music flooded the two-inch speakers, adding a tinny ambiance to the kind-of-dark (it was in Energy Saver mode) 15-inch screen.

And I sat there, wrapped in blankets (no heat) and happily watched the film that I save for one viewing a year.

And it was everything I'd hoped for; everything I remember about the movie. And then, because I am a glutton for punishment (or because all writers must face more ironic situations than anyone else on Earth), as things just start heating up (on screen, I mean; definitely not in my house), I utter:

"Ya know, as long as Laurie Strode can get out of that closet every year, I think everything is going to be just fine."

And then the computer died.

With Laurie still stuck in the closet, Michael Myers hacking away at the door. A hopeless, dark scenario.

So, just to recap:

Alex's Halloween:


-- -- -- --

Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

Well THAT Was Unexpected

If you thought this was Halloween...well, you were wrong.

Apparently, THIS is Halloween:

On a related note, perhaps you noticed that there was no Waiting for Wednesday this week. Well, because of things associated with the above photo...there won't be a new WfW this week.

You see, I have--yet again--lost power at home. Due to the October snowstorm that just hammered much of the East Coast, I'm once again in the dark, cold, restless space I like to call Power Outageland.

And to top it off, I also managed to lose power at the office yesterday, which was interesting for a few reasons.

First, I couldn't do any of the work that's steadily piling up. Second, I couldn't even get to the blog to express how frustrated I've been by yet another major storm. Third, the drive up to the office was littered with fallen trees and power lines, and the ride took much, much longer than usual.

And it usually takes me about an hour.

So after the much, much longer than usual drive up to work, I had just about enough time to turn on the computer, grab a cup of (real) coffee, say hello to a couple of fellow Dark Age Dwellers, and then...emergency lighting came on and the company was forced to close for the day.

Usually, this wouldn't be such a bad thing--like a snow day, only for grown-ups. But I was actually looking forward to coming into the office--with its lights and heat and running water and what have you.

*sigh*

Oh, well.

At least I completely missed Halloween.

More on that tomorrow.

Happy Halloween 2011!

Hallowe'en in a Suburb
By HP Lovecraft

The steeples are white in the wild moonlight,
And the trees have a silver glare;
Past the chimneys high see the vampires fly,
And the harpies of upper air,
That flutter and laugh and stare.


For the village dead to the moon outspread
Never shone in the sunset's gleam,
But grew out of the deep that the dead years keep
Where the rivers of madness stream
Down the gulfs to a pit of dream.


A chill wind weaves through the rows of sheaves
In the meadows that shimmer pale,
And comes to twine where the headstones shine
And the ghouls of the churchyard wail
For harvests that fly and fail.


Not a breath of the strange grey gods of change
That tore from the past its own
Can quicken this hour, when a spectral power
Spreads sleep o'er the cosmic throne,
And looses the vast unknown.


So here again stretch the vale and plain
That moons long-forgotten saw,
And the dead leap gay in the pallid ray,
Sprung out of the tomb's black maw
To shake all the world with awe.


And all that the morn shall greet forlorn,
The ugliness and the pest
Of rows where thick rise the stones and brick,
Shall some day be with the rest,
And brood with the shades unblest.


Then wild in the dark let the lemurs bark,
And the leprous spires ascend;
For new and old alike in the fold
Of horror and death are penned,
For the hounds of Time to rend.

Now THIS is Halloween!

I tell ya. If I had the talent, the time, the patience, the talent, the vision, and/or the talent to do something like this? I still probably wouldn't do it because of how...ridiculously difficult it must have been to accomplish.

Take a look at this video of a Halloween lights display synched up to the theme song from The Nightmare Before Christmas. It's probably the coolest thing I've seen all Halloween season.



And be sure to check out the designer's YouTube channel for more incredible displays.

Horrible at Halloween...Again

I still don't have a pumpkin.

It was the one thing on my Halloween 2011 must-do list that I figured would be easiest. And yet here we are on October 28, and I still don't have a pumpkin. With my schedule, I usually have a hard time keeping up with personal Halloween traditions that I've developed through the years, but you'd think that making a quick stop at any one of the multitude of pumpkin-selling places on my way to work would be something I could have managed.

But no. Well, not yet, anyway. Maybe I'll pick one up tonight or tomorrow.

As mentioned right around this time last year, I'm developing a bit of a track record when it comes to being bad at Halloween. And I can't have that.

The toughest things on my Halloween must-do list to keep up with are the books/comics I'd like to read throughout October, like Ray Bradbury's The Halloween Tree and Something Wicked This Way Comes, and the excellent Halloween: Nightdance comic series put out by the now-defunct Devil's Due Press.

Finding time to read in my spare time is always a little tough, but it's been especially so lately. So sitting down and watching a two-hour film can prove to be even harder to do (especially during an incredible World Series this year).

Still, so far I've managed to sneak in a few holiday classics--The Lost Boys, Halloween 2 and 4, and the Disney adaptation of Something Wicked--so that's something, at least.

Halloween falls on a Monday this year, much to the chagrin of kids (little and big) around the country. But that also means that a late-night movie fest is out of the question on the holiday itself.

The plan right now is to carve out (get it?) a chunk of time on Sunday to watch my personal favorite Halloween movie, John Carpenter's original Halloween. If I plan it just right, it will directly precede this week's new episode of The Walking Dead.

Not exactly a mirror of perfect Halloweens past, but for this year at least, it'll do.